


Hockey Shit with Ransom & Holster - Doors and Locks

by foryouandbits



Series: Tumblr Ficlets [10]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Coitus Interruptus, Ficlet, M/M, tango is adorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-28 00:29:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8423674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foryouandbits/pseuds/foryouandbits
Summary: Ransom and Holster need to impart their vast knowledge on some members of the SMH who clearly do not understand how to knock or how to lock their damn doors.





	

Tango was just trying to find Lardo's room, really. He wanted to know if they were playing a game when his parents would be in town and Lardo said she was in her room so he could just come on in, so when he entered the Haus he ran upstairs, turned to the left, opened the door, and immediately had to cover his eyes when he walked in on Jack and Bitty, stark naked on Bitty's bed, clearly in the middle of a passionate encounter.

Tango could have easily said nothing and closed the door since neither Jack nor Bitty had noticed him, but Tango was so traumatized he yelled "OH MY GOD!" and stood frozen in the doorway. Bitty looked up first and then immediately grabbed the pillow from behind Jack's head and covered himself with it, and then took the second pillow and shoved it over Jack's face, who grabbed the ends of it to prevent himself from suffocating.

"Tango, what are you doing?" Bitty asked, flustered and sputtering. Jack was beginning to writhe underneath him in his search for air.

"I was going to see Lardo –"

"Lardo's room is down the hall," Bitty squeaked; he was losing balance on top of Jack, who was still pushing against the sides of the pillow. "Tango, honey. Leave."

Tango took one step back and closed the door, but not before he saw Bitty fall forward onto Jack's chest, beet red and his hands over his face. Jack removed the pillow from his face and threw it to the floor, gasping loudly. Tango ran down the hall and back down the stairs, forgetting altogether about the reason for his visit to the Haus, and continued running until he found Ransom and Holster in the kitchen.

"I JUST SAW BITTY HAVING SEX WITH JACK ZIMMERMANN!" Tango yelled.

Ransom and Holster exchanged a quick look before Holster set down his forkful of quiche leftover from that morning's brunch. "Okay, Tango," said Holster. "What happened?"

"I went upstairs to see Lardo and then there they were, you know, together!"

"In Lardo's room?" Ransom asked, his nose curled up in disgust before he looked over at Holster. "Dude, do you think they've done it in our room?"

"No," said Tango, "I accidentally went to Bitty's room."

"And you just walked in on them?" Holster asked.

Tango nodded.

"Holster, where's our whiteboard?"

"In the living room. Be right back."

"Have a seat, Tango."

Tango, still visibly shaken, sat down at the kitchen table. Ransom cut a slice of quiche and put it in front of their most inquisitive frog. Tango picked up a fork but never actually took a bite of the quiche, his eyes still bright and wide, his fingers clutching the fork until his knuckles were white. Holster returned to the kitchen with the whiteboard and began to quickly write on it before Ransom took out his phone and played the familiar theme song.

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/94257123@N03/30039230564/in/dateposted-public/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/94257123@N03/30670509315/in/dateposted-public/)

"Tango," began Holster, his voice even and calm as he tapped the board with the black dry erase marker, "you have not been privy to many of our lessons, but listen and take heed."

"Um, what?" Tango asked.

"Listen up, young frog," said Ransom, and he placed an assertive hand on Tango's shoulder. "A long time ago scientists, like all humans, had the desire to mate with each other. They wanted to make sweet sweet love but they lived in a Haus with other humans, and the sanctity of their sweet sweet love was tainted when observed by non-participating members. In order to keep that love sacred, they invented the door, which they then placed at the entrance to their rooms so other people would know that whatever happened inside that room was private, and other humans should knock before coming inside."

"Why would a scientist invent a door? Didn't they already have doors?"

"It looks like metaphor is not in your wheelhouse, Tango," said Holster. "Just remember to knock in the future."

"Oh," said Tango. He looked down at his uneaten quiche. "Okay."

"You okay, bud?" Ransom asked, clapping Tango on the shoulder. Tango nodded. "Was it like walking in on your parents while they were having sex?"

"Oh, I've done that like ten times," said Tango.

"Yeah, you need to learn to knock."

"That's what they keep saying."

***

Tango had just finished his quiche and decided to go find Lardo when Jack and Bitty came down into the kitchen. Holster was just putting the rest of the quiche back into the fridge when they came inside and Bitty said, "Is there more quiche? I'm starving."

"Yeah, I bet you are," said Ransom and Holster ran across the room to fist bump him.

"Oh," said Bitty and his skin turned beet red from the tips of his ears and into the collar of his shirt. "Was Tango in here?"

"Yes," said Holster. "Have a seat, Bits. Jack."

"Um, I'm about to leave –"

"HAVE A SEAT JACK!" repeated Holster so Jack and Bitty sat the kitchen table and Holster quickly erased the lesson on the board to write a new one, and Ransom replayed the theme song from his phone:

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/94257123@N03/30039230564/in/dateposted-public/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/94257123@N03/30039230484/in/dateposted-public/)

"Lord," whispered Bitty before he looked down at his hands. Jack began to chuckle, earning him an evil eye from Bitty, but Jack instead broke down into giggles while Ransom and Holster began to speak.

"Did you know," Holster began, "that every bedroom in the Haus is equipped with a working lock?" Jack was shaking from giggles and Bitty covered his face with his hands.

"Locks were invented by some pretty smart people to prevent permanent psychological damage to frogs who will never remember to knock," said Ransom.

"Oh my God," said Bitty into his hands. Jack quickly put his hand on Bitty's back.

"Bitty, it's okay," said Jack. "I can talk to him if you want me to. I don't think he's going to say anything if we tell him how important it is to keep it a secret."

"Oh my God I wasn't even thinking about that!" said Bitty. "Oh Lord, I just was worried about his mental well-being! He's so impressionable." Jack pressed a kiss to Bitty's temple and Ransom and Holster both pretended to vomit onto their empty plates.

"Ugh, keep it behind locked doors," said Ransom, "which you should probably remember to lock." Bitty nodded before he waved his hands in front of his face to even his skin tone. Once he had calmed himself, he served Jack a large slice of quiche and saved the smaller slice for himself. Jack quickly tore into it and Ransom and Holster fist bumped again.

***

"Tango?" Bitty asked quietly as he entered the living room. Jack was on his way back to Providence again but Tango had parked himself on the green couch in front of the television. Bitty gave the couch a wide berth as he stepped in front of it to look at Tango. Tango looked up and then put both of his hands over his eyes.

"Bitty, I'm so sorry!" Tango said loudly.

"It's okay, Tango. I just need –"

"I'm really sorry! I think I saw your penis and I'm really sorry!"

"Okay, okay, but –"

"It was way bigger than I expected!"

"Tango."

"I'm sorry!"

"Apology accepted. Can you uncover your eyes now please?" Tango uncovered his eyes and Bitty, now red yet again, put one hand gently on Tango's shoulder. "Listen, what happened upstairs is something that happens when two people are in love. It's completely normal." Tango nodded. "But Jack plays in the NHL and there are no gay athletes in the NHL – not publicly, at least. It's really important that you keep this a secret, okay? Even from other people on the team."

"Oh no, I told Ransom and Holster!" Tango said and put his hands over his eyes again.

"It's okay, they know. Lardo knows too, but that's it. Don't tell anyone else. Okay?"

"Okay," said Tango.

"All right. Did you get some quiche?" Tango nodded. "Good. Just – just remember to knock next time, okay? And Lardo's room is on the other side."

"Okay, Bitty. Thanks."

Tango never remembered to knock, but from that point on Bitty always remembered to lock the door.


End file.
